Wednesday, August 8, 2007

Sometimes You Feel Like A Nut . . .

In the grand scheme of things on the average, everyone has one testicle. Globally that’s just a mathematical fact. In practice, however, that average only works out because men have two and women don’t have any, but every once in awhile someone comes along who wants to change that equation.

That person this time around is 24-year-old British lass Amanda Monti. She has just been sentenced to jail by the Liverpool Crown Court for a crime that has all men who read this crossing their legs.

Amanda received a two and a half year sentence for ripping off her ex-lover’s testicle with her bare hands! Apparently, she flew into a rage when 37-year-old Geoffrey Jones rejected her advances at the end of a drunken house party (and there you have it – yes, alcohol was involved).

As the story goes, the two attended the party back in May 2004, a drunken argument ensued and an outraged Amanda grabbed at Geoffrey’s face and the two began to struggle.

Consequently, Geoffrey threw petite Amanda out of the house but she managed to lure Geoffrey outside after she smashed a window. The two wrestled again, and Amanda was knocked down.

While on the ground, she reached up and pulled Geoffrey’s shorts down, leaving him in his underpants. Even though Geoffrey was already thoroughly embarrassed it wasn't enough for Amanda, who was still fuming. She then grabbed at his groin area and pulled so hard that his underpants came off.

Geoffrey was completely naked and in excruciating pain. He hobbled back into the house and into the kitchen to try and avoid further confrontation with Amanda.

A friend of Geoffrey who witnessed the event approached him, with testicle in hand and, with what has to be the quote of the century said . . . "That's yours."

To Geoffrey’s utter shock, he looked down into his friend's hand and saw his testicle in it, which Amanda had ripped completely off during the struggle. She had tried to swallow it, but apparently testicle is an acquired taste so Amanda choked and spat it out.

In a statement read to the court, Geoffrey said, "Amanda attacked me in an unprovoked manner and the attack has ruined my life." He added, "I cannot begin to describe the pain I’ve suffered."

Amanda pleaded guilty to wounding. Doctors were unable to re-attach one of the twins to Jim, and the court heard that Geoffrey, a bodybuilder, is so embarrassed by what happened he is planning to move away.

In a letter to the court, Amanda said she was sorry for what she had done. She added: "I am in no way a violent person.” Is there any guy reading this who doesn’t think that having a nut sack detached by a nut case's bare hands before she tries to swallow it is violent? Didn’t we used to burn people at the stake for less?

Amanda’s letter goes on to say, “I have challenged myself to explain what has happened but still I just cannot remember. This has caused much anguish to me and will do so for the rest of my life."

Amanda, are you sure the anguish you feel is more than Geoff’s? Perhaps it was your desire to have you on his mind forever – and he will. He’ll think of you anytime he may have sex in the future, if he can. He’ll think of you whenever he pees. He’ll think of you on each occasion that he has jock itch. As every guy knows, down there is our little home away from home and thanks to Amanda, Geoffrey now has empty nest syndrome.

That’s the Stuph – the way I see it.