Wednesday, July 11, 2007

Cats Are Evil!

Anyone who has listened to our radio show over a period of time knows how I feel about cats. They’re evil – little pieces of evil – plotting to overthrow mankind. I have worked long and hard trying to convince the general population of this but no one is listening. When the invasion starts and the felines all rise up against us you will remember my warning, but alas, it will be too late.

Seriously, you cat owners out there (and nobody really ever “owns” a cat), do you know what your so-called pet is doing when you’re not home? Perhaps you’re one of those people who leave their computer on when they go out. How do you know your cat isn’t sending out emails, mobilizing the forces, and taking further instructions from the Grand Poobah of cats? The signs are all there as to what the cats are doing – you’re just not paying attention. You’re more focused on the Taliban and Al-Qaeda, as if they were a match for the Tonkinese and Abyssinians.

I was reminded of this yet again last Thursday. On the radio program we had on a good friend of the show by the name of Ben Patrick Johnson. Before I get to the cat story, let me tell you a little bit about Ben.

Ben Patrick Johnson is a very gifted guy. He is a major voice over talent in the United States, plus he hosts a daily online show called Life On The Left Coast. He’s written several novels, his latest being his third entitled One Size Fits All. He lives in the Hollywood Hills, his next door neighbour is Paris Hilton and he’s a gadget freak (for the love of God, don’t ask him about his iPhone!) As if that weren’t enough he’s a fitness enthusiast with model good looks. If he weren’t such a freakin’ likeable guy you’d just want to hate him.

You’d think a guy like this would not fall prey to the nefarious spell of a little hair-ball producing, furniture scratching, lint inducing creature, but he has a cat named “Annie.” ANNIE! Like that sweet little orphan who doesn’t have eyeballs!

Well on the show Ben and I were having a civilized conversation when all of a sudden the sound of a cat could be heard in the background (one of the gadgets Ben has is the ability to use ISDN broadcast lines from his home – a job requirement – so you can hear a pin drop, or in this case a cat purr). The cat didn’t speak just once but twice!!!

Ben thought it was cute, but I really knew what was going on. CJAD is the number one English AM radio station in Montreal, reaching the Ottawa Valley and parts of three U.S. states, plus we can be heard across the country on Bell Expressvu satellite and around the world on the web. I’m sure Annie was quite aware of this and was taking the opportunity to give commands to felines everywhere at the expense of our powerful broadcast signal and like so many “owners” Ben was totally oblivious to this. CJAD was unwittingly duped into being a sort of feline al jazeera.

Now, I’m not a pet person at all. I guess this comes from my Caribbean background. Although I was born in Canada my entire immersion through my family and siblings, who were all born in the West Indies, is Caribbean and back in Barbados nobody had any pets. Sure they all had cats and dogs, but they served a purpose. Dogs guarded the house, cats killed the mice. They weren’t part of the family.

However, I know North American culture is different and people love their pets, but at least a dog will be loving, loyal and obedient. What has a cat ever done for you? Oh, they might let you think you’re in charge, but for the most part they will do what they want, they will disregard your existence and with their disagreeable temperament they will snarl at you just for looking at them the wrong way. They have almost the same personality traits as Dick Cheney and are probably plotting just as much.

I fear for my friend Ben who does not know that he, like so many who have cats, are merely hostages in their so-called pets' world. It’s like they’re suffering from Stockholm Syndrome.

But since these poor souls can’t or won’t watch out for themselves, it’s up to people like me to keep vigilant – to keep an eye out for what lies “apaw.” Like the Minutemen at the Mexican border watching for illegal aliens, I will be focused on the comings and goings of cats – because I am deeply worried for the safety of Ben Patrick Johnson and many others like him. I have to find a way to break the spell.

That’s the Stuph - the way I see it.

(Also see: Feline Serial Killer & More Proof Of The Evil Of Felines)


  1. Poor, poor, Peter.

    Not only is he delusional about a silly cat plot to achieve global domination (the planet earth, not the TV guys...), but he is also a Boston Red Sox fan.

  2. Peter -- I so wanted to post a comment indicating that your take on cats is somewhat, how shall I say this, uh, somewhat, well -- right on, accurate and true!

    But my cats wouldn't let me.

    I am sending this post from a secure computer deep in the South Dakotan hills. I'll be here for a while. I'm just too damn scared to go home!

    Steve Leiva

  3. Never did I realize Annie held such sway over my world! You have opened my eyes, Mister Holder. Only I don't know whether to thank you or hate you, since now every time I look at my beloved, I will see Dick Cheney glowering back at me. And that's just not something I'd wish on anyone.

    Have a great time at the Comedy Festival. Do something funny.

    Your biggest fan -- no, really!

    Ben Patrick Johnson
    Los Angeles, CA

  4. Re:"Wednesday, July 11, 2007
    Cats Are Evil!"

    They have something that can help you with this problem, it is called Zoloft, if that doesn't work, you could try Paxil, if not that then maybe Welbrutrin, or even Prozac........If none of them work, keep trying them until you find the one that works best with your body chemistry.......

  5. My son, Sabbath, is the village whore, and has found that to be his way of world domination, twenty five litters and counting. Which is pretty horrible when you factor in that his Daddy is a virgin. He says, "Hello! What you want me to meow, forget that, I howl."

    On more than one account he has secretly tried to send out messages while I was listening to Life On The Left Coast. I have had to hide my keyboard several other times as well. Dont even get me started on where he ran off with my web cam and microphone to, all I know is my You Tube account has a couple hidden videos that I don't know the password to (conspiracy theory run a muck).


    MRev. Kenneth White, Jnr.
    Fort Wayne, Indiana, USA

  6. My cats act like some of the women I dated. They pay attention to me to get fed then they ignore me after I have fed them